Damaged but not Destroyed
by Offcentercompass
Summary: Set in the future where Emma and Regina are together but have hit a MAJOR bump in the road. Angst, mentions of sexual content. Regina's POV. Mature so please use discretion.
1. Chapter 1

Hi, short story - Own nothing from the Once Universe.

Mature rating, SwanQueen. Character study, angst and tension.

Reviews are very welcome, know this might not be to everyone's taste - but let me know.

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Regina turned away. She felt the bitter disappointment rise up through her body and prick at her eyes. She refused to cry. This was stupid, there was no reason to feel like this. Only there was. She didn't think she was being unreasonable or overly demanding. She thought she deserved better than the chaste goodnight kiss and to be dismissed by her lover. She was certain that picking to read a book on the Kindle or a game on the tablet night after night instead of holding her and letting something intimate develop was slowly eroding her confidence and driving her crazy with unresolved need. She was sexually frustrated but more than that she felt rejected by Emma. Her true love. And as it happened more and more she began to wonder if they really were true loves.

They had been once, she knew that, they had broken a curse with a kiss and they had both been so happy in the beginning. There had been dates, laughter, she had been made to feel so special. And she had welcomed Emma into her house, rebuilt her routine round their partnership, made her a massive part of her life. She had loved cooking for her, looking after her, spending time with Henry as a family and when they had committed to it the sex had been mind blowing.

They had spent whole nights worshipping each other until the sun tried to push through the curtains and they had both grudgingly got up and faced a day of work, tired and counting the minutes until they could be together again. Preferably wrapped in each other's arms back in bed.

She had always struggled with sex with other people, she had struggled to let go and find a release, but with Emma it was instinctive. She made the brunette wet from the first kiss, and Regina knew they shared an emotional connection that heightened all the other sensations. Emma had made her feel so wanted, the whispered words telling her how beautiful she was and the way she touched her. It was gentle, reverent to begin with, giving them both time to explore what they liked, what worked between them and for them. No other lover had put her needs first, and it was refreshing, it was new and she quickly became addicted to the blonde's touch.

Regina felt like Emma could read her mind, knew when to allow her touch to become firm, when to change from teasing to forceful and demanding. She had waited until the older woman was comfortable and then ramped up the passion, the kisses more wanton and the touches no longer hesitant. She had allowed Regina the time to become comfortable with her and it meant when the time came she climaxed repeatedly, Emma's name falling from her lips as the blonde worked tireless and selflessly between her legs with her hand, mouth, tongue.

And she had become confident with Emma, they were able to talk about what they liked and wanted, the honesty was something she had never experienced before. And the conversations weren't just about sex and physical need, they talked openly about their hopes and dreams, their desires and fears and Regina had never felt so free. Emma listened to every word, she didn't mock any idea and she'd smile, her face shining with love, brilliant and blindingly beautiful as they snuggled as they planned for the future.

And just thinking back and remembering the good times made the tears threaten to fall. Because things had been great, she didn't understand what had happened between them to lead them here. She still cooked Emma's favourite foods and tried flirting, and they sat on the sofa and watched films, but when she leaned in for kisses the blonde would turn her head so she was offering her cheek instead of the lips Regina so desperately wanted. And if she did get a taste of her lips it was chaste, briefly caressing before she pulled away and it never seemed to be enough for the brunette who missed physical contact with the woman she had chosen to be with. At times she felt ignored and as if the blonde was just going through the motions. It was as if she was doing the bare minimum, trying to placate Regina with small gestures of affection, but Regina felt deeply the absence of real contact, real desire. Frighteningly she admitted to herself when she was alone and had too much time to think, she was beginning to feel unloved.

And that in itself was foolish, because Emma loved her, still spent time listening to her rant about the Town, the Council and everything else her job as Mayor entailed. She cooked the brunette delightful meals and they still laughed and talked together. For birthdays and Anniversaries she put thought into gifts or made something so it was extra special, but they never seemed to end up in bed, pressed closely together and sharing the same breath. Regina wanted more, she guessed she had always been greedy and had issues with self-control and this could be just another example, however rationalising it did little to calm her libido which was raging, and Emma still turned away, saying that the day had tired her out with an apologetic smile gracing her beautiful lips. It meant Regina was left trying to calm her heated body enough so she could sleep. Part of her wanted to scream and she knew she was being unreasonable because she understood what had changed in their relationship.

Nearly two years ago Emma had lost her Mother. Complications had occurred during child birth and it had torn at Regina as well, putting an unbearable strain on their relationship. Snow was too young to die, and Regina felt that injustice as much as anyone. Over the last years Snow had reached out to her, reassuring her that Emma was the one, to trust in love and believe in her heart. They had developed a new relationship where they firstly didn't hate one another, then grew tolerant and finally became friends, talking easily about old times – not the times Regina had tried to kill her obviously – but of the old world, hobbies they had enjoyed, sharing details of the past the other didn't know.

Charming had understandably been devastated. Regina thought seeing him every day was the hardest thing. He had lost his spark, he looked so much older and it was obvious he was broken without Snow by his side. He had also gone from the Man of the House, the Deputy Sheriff to a single father and Regina saw him struggle with the change daily. She wanted to reach out to him, give him advice she had learned with Henry, but while Snow had accepted her easily as Emma's lover Charming had always remained guarded around her and she didn't have the words to help him. She knew his pain, so like herself when Daniel had been killed, but she knew nothing would ease his suffering except time. And Emma and Henry loved him, they were there to support him and try and heal his broken heart, so Regina stood back and watched, feeling helpless.

And Emma, well she kept herself busy with Henry and her job, which she carried on with after only a handful of days off. She was sad, so very sad and Regina tried to be there for her but Emma had shut everybody out. Regina knew about walls and Emma had put hers up trying to deal with the pain and loss. She had stood by Emma's side at the funeral, she was strong for her lover, wishing she'd cry and breakdown and start to grieve but Emma had just silently stared as her mother was put to rest. When Regina tried to hold her she had pulled away muttering about wanting to be alone and Regina had respected that, given her time and space to come to terms with another loss, another abandonment.

And she had been patient and understanding, working through her own grief alone, still wanting nothing more than to help Emma with hers. She understood Emma's pain, sympathized that for 28 years she had been looking for a mother and when she had finally found her that she had only been given a few years with Snow before she was taken away again. It was unfair, life handing out another bitter pill to swallow and Regina just hoped Emma could recover from this. She still had her Father, she had Henry and she had Regina and slowly, but eventually Emma did come back to her. In time she laughed more and cried less and became talkative and interactive. Regina recognized how much of a shock it was to everyone and how it would change all their lives, Snow had been such a major part of their family. She wished she could do more, knew her sympathetic smile did little to detract from how tragic it had been and all she was left with was giving Emma as much love and support as she could. And in the end she knew that ultimately it was the grief that had destroyed Emma's sex drive.

But understanding why did little to help as after two years and only a handful of deeper kisses and one night after Emma had drunk far too much and they had had sloppy sex which was nothing like the tender or passionate way they used to be when they were so very involved with each other's pleasure, Regina was frustrated. She had tried to give Emma time and space. She had tried to make Emma feel wanted and give her comfort, whispering words to build her confidence and reassure her she was beautiful. She had tried to tell her she was still sexy, still gorgeous and still very desirable, hinting at how horny she still made the brunette. She had cooked romantic meals, initiated date nights, she had dressed up in revealing Christmas underwear and brought a strapless dildo for their last anniversary present which was still sitting in its plastic covering in a bedside drawer unused. Nothing sparked any interest in the blonde and about 3 months ago she finally cracked and had mail ordered a vibrator.

She had never felt the need before, but Emma had woken a sensual part of herself and now she missed the physical side of their relationship. She wanted to cum, and it was developing into a driving need which was getting worse by the day. And Emma was gently but firmly repelling her advances, so she was taking matters into her own hands, literally.

She quickly fell into a nightly pattern where she would try to initiate things with her lover and Emma would gently turn her away, as had become normal. So she would wait for the younger woman to fall asleep and would then slip away to the guest room and take care of the problem. She knew she was in trouble because playing with her toys was hardly taking the edge off her need anymore. She had known that pleasing herself either with her own hand or with the vibrator wasn't as good and she missed Emma's lips, missed kissing her and the way her tongue used to dance round her mouth. The heat as the younger woman would lick and suck at her neck, biting, both of them moaning in anticipation. All of that was missing but Regina still finished, riding the silicon as the rabbit ears rubbed her clit faster and faster until she was muffling her moan in the pillow as her body crested and the orgasm she wished Emma had given her shook through her body.

And then last night had been so hard. She had held Emma so close, her body responding to the proximity, nipples hardening and arousal beating strongly with her heartbeat. But she had bitten her tongue as she watched the blonde roll away. She tried not to lose the moment by rolling with her and trying to pepper her face with kisses, hoping that one of them might ignite something in the other woman, but it was no use, her lover was still cold and distant. She was seemingly oblivious to Regina's craving and when Regina finally gave up and let the disappointment show on her face Emma questioned, "What's wrong? You look sad."

"Nothing, Goodnight My Love." Was her only response, as she turned away and curled in on herself.

Regina knew better than to be honest, putting pressure on her lover wasn't fair, she had lost her mother and didn't feel like being intimate. It was Regina's problem and voicing her desire would only make Emma feel guilty. It wouldn't make her want the brunette, no amount of talking seemed to do that and Regina tried not to take it personally and think something was wrong with her. But it was hard, she was becoming more disillusioned with their relationship and struggling with her feelings. She tried not to feel let down but this situation was so far from the plans they used to lay in bed and discuss.

She might not be the Evil Queen anymore, but she did have a selfish streak and it reared its head late at night and whispered that she deserved better. She knew that for the lie it was and was able to feel better about herself knowing there was a time in her past when she would have just taken what she wanted and damned the consequences. She wouldn't take anything from Emma not freely given, she had changed and she was trying, but with a burning need, heated desire pooling between her thighs and a throbbing clit she turned away from the other woman with her heart aching at the lost opportunity.

Now it was morning and she was still upset, whether she had any right to be or not, she was feeling despondent and wanted to pick herself up. She had been thinking about something for weeks now and last night had made up her mind. She pulled the laptop towards her and quickly went online and bought the new vibrator she'd been watching for some time, reading the reviews and deciding she deserved a treat. It was quite expensive but as that seemed to be her only source of pleasure she decided now was not the time to be frugal. She did deserve this. Only there was doubt mixed with that thought. What she deserved was a lover who wanted her, who wanted a full relationship, but in the absence of that was masturbation really a substitute?

She was struggling because it wasn't like either of them were old, they were middle aged and she was certain this wasn't normal. She smiled ruefully, normal in Storybrooke didn't exist, but she didn't think this was right. Two people who loved each other expressed it physically, maybe not every night, but this was an excessively long period to go without any kind of loving touch.

But she was grateful for Emma, the blonde had loved her when she didn't think she deserved it, she had done hideous things in her past and she had accepted her and wanted her anyway. Yes she was trying to redeem herself, but her past would always be there and Emma had made it clear she didn't care about that and the person she was. She only cared about the person she was now, loved her for the good she could see, a protective Mother to Henry and strong woman who continued to try despite the set-backs of life.

So this felt like a betrayal of the blonde and Regina didn't understand how something so good and strong had become dead and unresponsive. She didn't feel comfortable with the situation, but at least it wasn't cheating. She couldn't do that to the blonde, she still loved her, but she needed to find a release. It helped keep her calm, helped her sleep and she always made sure she went back to bed with the other woman, so she was there when she woke or if she had a nightmare which had become a feature since Snow had left her life. Yet she still felt guilty, hiding away in another room and gasping in pleasure as the machine brought her the release she needed. It should be Emma, and Regina wanted to please her as much as she wanted her own orgasm, she missed Emma's taste, the way she would hold her down and buck her hips against her face. She just wished Emma wanted it, wanted her.

The following morning the new toy arrived and she took it up to the guess room and stashed it out of sight, already planning when she could take an early lunch break and use it on herself. She recognized that was a problem, that she was becoming overly dependent on her toys. She had stopped to think about it and she knew in part why. She had very little in life that made her feel good, she worked hard and often pushed herself too hard, becoming tired and irritable. The job was stressful and she couldn't say she took any joy from it. Her Prince, Henry was growing up spending his time more and more often out with friends, he didn't need her anymore and she missed his company. She had Emma, but the harsh truth was Emma didn't make her feel good anymore.

She knew in her heart that was an unfair comment, but when everything was stripped away, the lack of intimacy in their relationship felt like a rejection and Emma was now eroding her confidence. Gone were the times Regina felt safe and warm in her arms, secure and wanted. More and more she felt they had become friends, not lovers, their relationship was becoming more dysfunctional with every day that passed. This brief sexual thrill, chasing the release, made her feel good if only for a handful of minutes as she lay in the warmth of the orgasm, her mind hazy and heart racing. It picked her up when she was feeling the stresses of life weigh her down, and made her momentarily forget her lover didn't want her.

It was beginning to dawn on her that their relationship was in trouble, that she loved Emma and wanted her but as Emma shunned her advances she began to feel resentment and bitterness towards the blonde. And that wasn't healthy, it wasn't even right in a loving relationship. And she didn't know how to fix it. She wished she didn't feel that way, but she did.

As she clicked on the vibrator, the shaft pulsed as well as having rabbit ears to stimulate her clit and she gasped at how intense and how deep the pulsing reached inside her. She leaned back and pressed the toy against the sensitive patch inside her and groaned deeply at the sensation. She was close already and she had only just started, the toy definitely worth the extra money it had cost. She fumbled with the button, pushing it so the next setting kicked in and the part of the toy vibrating against her clit sped up, brushing faster and faster over the bundle of nerves. She pulled it back slightly so the touch was light and teasing for a minute before pressing the toy hard into herself and she didn't have to stifle the moan it caused as the house was empty. She was painfully aroused and she felt how slick she was by the movement of the toy, sliding effortlessly with her natural juices as she fucked herself with it. She was enjoying being alone in the house and gave in to the sensations rippling through her, a curse word falling from her lips as she felt the slow burn, the pull as her muscles began to tense in her abdomen. She felt her legs begin to shake and she clicked the vibrator again, stimulating her clit even faster. She was going to come, she felt it threaten, felt herself teetering on the brink and then she was arching, panting hard as she felt her body convulsed. Her legs snapped shut round the toy, hips still bucking into it as she rode out every pulse and wave until she finally clicked it off and gently withdrew it, seeing how glistening it was with her cum coating it.

Part of her twinged then, she used to love the way Emma would lazily lick her fingers after she had come all over them, the lustful look in her eyes that said she could never get enough of her. And Regina wanted to know where that person had gone, why she was now looking at a silicone covered lump of metal and plastic that had replaced her girlfriend. And to all intense and purposes it had. Regina quickly pushed away the thought that she had come hard and quickly, that the toy really was fantastic. Even more so than Emma had once been. Regina dared not think about that, it couldn't be true. Only it had been so long her memory was becoming blurred and maybe it was true, she really couldn't remember. What Regina did know was this vibrator gave her a level of satisfaction that was better than any of her other toys and she desperately wanted to use it again.

Sighing as she had to go back to the office she cleaned the toy and put it back in the drawer, going to the bathroom to freshen herself up and put on clean underwear. She couldn't get caught up in her own pleasure, she had a job to do and brushing her hair back into place she checked her reflection in the mirror and once happy she left the house. The high from her orgasm was quickly dissipating and she felt life crowd back in, demanding her time and attention.

That afternoon the time dragged and she found herself thinking more and more about her relationship. Was it over? How could she even be thinking that? Certainly Emma was distant, but what kind of person walked away from a loved one when they were so obviously still hurting and damaged, broken by the loss of their Mother? She wasn't cruel and uncaring and she couldn't hurt Emma like that, leave her helpless and alone in the world. Did she still love her? The answer was definite, Yes. She did, without hesitation. She just wasn't getting what she wanted from the relationship and she understood she was behaving like a child who was sulking when they didn't get their own way.

Admittedly it had been a long time and she missed her lover, and she didn't know if she could maintain this façade forever, but she wasn't a quitter. There was one thing Regina Mills was above all else and it was stubborn. She also loved deeply and she still felt the emotions swirl inside her when she thought of Emma. She missed her smile, missed being close with her, that was all. She would reach inside herself and find that strength, to be patient and to be there for Emma. But she admitted to herself that things did need to change and that the conversation she had been avoiding and putting off needed to be had.

She wasn't going to let their love die over something petty, and she knew she was as much as fault here as the blonde. She should have been true to herself, been The Mayor and The Queen and taken charge long before now. Emma needed guiding, needed to be told some home truths, her wallowing had gone on long enough and Regina needed to sit her down and be brutally honest about it. Emma wasn't living and Regina had got caught up in that cycle, she wasn't helping her lover get better, they were both just slowly getting worse.

She sent Henry a text asking him to stay over with Nick or his grandpa that evening and left the office early to go home and cook for them both. On the way she stopped in to Archie's office and asked whether he would be able to do grief counselling and how many sessions or hours a week he thought he'd need to begin with. She felt better than she had in months, she felt she was finally doing something, there was hope and a light at the end of the tunnel she seemed to have got trapped inside.

She thought about the vibrators, she had been using them as a crutch, a patch that was only covering up a problem and not fixing it. She needed to address the real problem but before she tried to deal with any of that she did however need to know one thing. She steeled herself for the conversation, because she wasn't sure how she'd react if the answer she got to the question, "Do you still want this, me and our relationship?" was a refusal, a No.

She realised Emma was lost, she had continued with things because they were a pattern, easy and didn't require any thought. She was essentially on auto-pilot and Regina had let her. If living with Regina was just another part of that, if their love had died and neither of them had been strong enough to address it, letting things amble along because it would be harder to end it, hurt more to make that decision then Regina would have to force the conversation. Much as it pained her and would break her heart, if things were over this limbo they were living in wasn't helping. She was addicted to masturbation and Emma was closed off both sexually but now Regina thought about it, emotionally as well. She suspected the sex had disappeared because Emma couldn't engage with her, there was something making her pull away, probably the fear of losing and it had taken root at a deep level. It wasn't healthy and if she was the first one to see it then she needed to say something.

She tried not to let the thought this conversation might be the end affect her, she tried to ignore the tears that shimmered in her vision. Because she didn't want this to be over. She thought she had found her happy ending and for several years she had been blissfully happy. Had her heart betrayed her again, or had fate come along and twisted her future, taking away the happy ending just as she had begun to believe she could have it all? She sighed and blinked, the tears falling down her face. How could she not know how Emma felt? They shared the house, shared a bed every night. That showed her how far apart they had drifted, because there was a time when they could practically read each other's minds, finishing the other's sentences and she had seen the happiness mirrored on Emma's features, love filling her heart as much as it did her own.

Regina ducked her head and wiped the tears away as she heard the key in the front door. She turned the heat on the saucepan down and went to check the place settings as Emma walked in.

With a deep breath she took her life in her hands, turning round and greeting the younger woman, "How was your day? I made us a light dinner, I hoped afterwards we could talk?"


	2. Chapter 2

Well this was meant to be a one shot, single chapter thing, but as people have asked I have continued it. Thanks for reviews and for wanting more, I really wasn't sure people would like this.

I think there might be a third chapter after this, but will see how things go as I have 2 much longer stories I should be finishing off and not getting distracted!

Enjoy the read, I hope you like what I did with it.

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Emma put her key in the lock and pushed the door open. She took her time plodding up the stairs, her legs ached and she felt her muscles spasm uncomfortably, she knew she had overdone things today. She was tired, she struggled to find the strength to lift her feet as her body protested more with each step. She seemed to be tired all the time these days. She didn't understand why, she slept ok, she ate sensibly since she had moved in with Regina. She had even taken the drastic step and had stopped eating at least one meal a day at Granny's, and ingesting vegetables on a regular basis. She didn't drink anymore and she took regular exercise, walking with Regina to work in the mornings or by the dockside in the evening fresh air after a heavy meal. She was still running twice a week too, despite not enjoying the feeling, the warmth in her muscles or the feeling of being free didn't energise her like it once had.

She knew she should be looking forward to an evening with her brunette lover, to a nice meal and an evening of relaxing, but she felt so drained. She couldn't lift her mood and when Regina greeted her saying, "How was your day? I made us a light dinner, I hoped afterwards we could talk?" She couldn't even smile at the beautiful woman. And she was, she was still breathtakingly stunning and Emma knew how lucky she was to come home to her every night, but she didn't know how to improve her mood and get back to feeling like herself.

She guessed she was depressed, which was stupid. Yes she had suffered a bereavement, but so did hundreds of people every day and they managed, their lives went on. They didn't fall apart and let the loss overwhelm them. She didn't understand the way she had reacted to her Mother's death, it was tragic, it was a shock, but she had had two years to acclimatise and yet she still felt hollow and empty. She felt numb and couldn't see the joy or the good in life. She still laughed at times, she made time for Father and her son, especially as he grew up and started to question more about life and love. She still got on with laundry, mowing the lawn, cooking family breakfasts and carried on with the day to day, but her heart wasn't in any of it.

Her job kept her mind occupied, but she didn't take much enjoyment from that either. She should be proud to serve the community and she did a good job, but it all seemed meaningless. What she did understand was she needed to be sharp and focused as she protected the town, but throwing herself into that and concentrating so deeply always left her exhausted by the time she clocked off and went home.

Today was no different, and the fact that Regina wanted to talk made her shoulders sag even further. She didn't feel up to that, she never felt up to anything, but she was well aware that she had been pushing Regina away and making her share her suffering and bad feeling. She owed Regina some time, she couldn't keep her lover at arm's length forever, and it wasn't fair to the brunette who had done nothing wrong.

She felt Regina study her, she knew her eyes looked tired and in the past two years her hair had begun to fall out much more frequently and had lost some of its lustre. When she looked in the mirror she saw how pale her reflection looked and she had outbreaks of spots and dry skin that she had thought she had left behind at puberty but now were peppering her body in patches. They flared back up with regularity and she knew it must be stress related, not that she was stressed, she was just unbearably tired. And she ached, no amount of coffee in the morning seemed to pick her up anymore, even a bear claw and an injection of sugar didn't help and she wondered when she had become so old and broken.

As Emma stood quietly in the kitchen Regina crossed the room and raised her hand, placing it gently against her face and caressing her thumb over her cheek. Emma leaned into it and the brunette smiled genuinely at her. Her heart tried to expand with love and return the gesture, but she just couldn't. Instead she raised her own hand and intertwined their fingers and not being comfortable under the scrutinising stare asked, "So what did you make for dinner?"

"Grilled chicken and creamed potatoes, there is either a salad or I can steam vegetables, which would you rather have?"

Emma scrunched up her face, neither being what she would pick, but if she had to eat sensible and adult food then the steamed vegetables were more palatable. Regina smiled at her adorable expression of disgust and then shook her head and filled the steamer with water and a selection of freshly chopped vegetables.

Emma pulled out a stool and sat at the island, well she more collapsed into the padded seat and leaned on her folded arms as Regina came round and gently rubbed at her back. Regina helped ease her out of her jacket, leaving the room to hang the coat in the closet and then returned to rub over her shoulders. "You're really tense, do you want a bath before dinner? I can dish up a bit later if you want?"

She felt guilt gnaw at her, Regina was being so devoted and caring and she didn't even have the motivation to wash herself. She just wanted to eat and go to bed, like she did every day since her mother had died. Anything else was just another obstacle, something else to face that she didn't really want to. She was even beginning to resent Birthdays and Anniversaries, because she had to find energy to smile and be happy when she felt nothing of the sort.

She had faked her way through Henry's last Birthday, it being easier as it was a town party and there were lots of people to distract him so his blonde mother could hide in a corner and drink. And she had, she had got completely off her face.

So much so that Regina had had to take care of her, she had guided and supported her weight as she staggered round the dance floor to the latest pop tunes before taking her home as she had become too loud and verging on abusive. She remembered being bundled into the car and driven home, the cool night air hitting her and sobering her a little. She didn't remember much else about that night, but she was fairly certain she had tried to make love to the older woman. Probably not love, more like sloppy kisses and fumbled groping. She doubted it had been a good performance from the state she must have been in, but she just didn't remember properly.

What she did remember was the morning after, the hammering headache and the violence of the vomiting and that she had sworn off drink from that point on. And through it all Regina had soothingly rubbed her back while she hunched over the toilet and got her fresh water to drink, pills to settle her stomach and dull the pain in her head. Emma thought she had subconsciously forgotten on purpose, ashamed that their only sexual encounter had been a drink fuelled romp that had probably been a complete mess. The brunette deserved better than that and yet she had never mentioned it again for which Emma was immensely grateful.

She found the strength to lift her head and told her lover, "I'm hungry, can we eat soon?"

Regina nodded and carried on in the kitchen while Emma sat and thought about what she could want to talk about. Henry was growing up and maybe Regina was worried about his education choices or his interest in girls. Thanksgiving was also a few months away, but Regina was always planning to the last detail so maybe it was about who to invite and what extra foods to serve. Emma guessed she would have to wait as she saw the older woman start to drain the potatoes ready to mash and then cream them and she excused herself to wash her hands and face ready for dinner.

After they had eaten, talking about the town and making idle chit chat Regina poured herself a glass of scotch and motioned they should sit in the Den together.

Emma noticed the alcohol and the way Regina drained the glass swiftly before getting another from the bar and she became puzzled. The brunette didn't do nervous, but she clearly was and Emma felt a sinking feeling that this wasn't going to be a good conversation. Her fear was confirmed as the older woman started to speak.

"Emma I'm worried about you. I don't think you've properly come to terms with the loss of your Mother."

"How can you say that, she is gone, I get reminded every day! I have to see my Dad struggle on without her, have to watch a town full of people still look at me with sympathy and pity and I visit her grave once a week. I'm well aware she is gone."

"Knowing she is gone and dealing with it are two different things." Regina said quietly.

"You don't think I'm dealing with it?" She breathed out, angry at the unexpected attack she felt she was under.

"You've withdrawn, you are clearly depressed and I have realised I don't have the skills to help you anymore. I think you need proper help and support, qualified counselling to come to terms with the massive upheaval in your life."

"You hypocrite!" She found herself screaming, standing on legs that shook from adrenaline and emotion. All the feelings she had been pushing away and trying to bury were swirling inside of her and Emma felt herself lose the struggle to hold on to any self-control.

"You lost someone you loved and then proceeded to spend decades planning revenge, killing hundreds of people and then cursed us all here in your grief. You didn't deal with yours, so don't you dare accuse me of not coping with mine."

She watched Regina clench her jaw, watched her struggle to remain calm. Her grip on her glass became extreme, her knuckles turning white until she stood and put the tumbler to one side and meet Emma's fierce eyes with her own.

"Emma I did those things, there is no denying that. And I don't want you to be like me, letting the grief festering inside of you, destroying your goodness and sucking the life from you. Not when you have people here who want to help you and are prepared to give up time to listen to you talk through things."

"You want me to talk to a professional?" She felt the words leave her mouth, hating herself for the vile things she was saying but being unable to calm her temper. She had snapped and her blood was pumping and she finally felt something, she felt alive. "The woman who is so closed off from her feelings she needed my mother and true loves kiss to convince her she was in love!"

She watched the brunette take a step back, and clench her fists. Her usual calm demeanour was wavering, and Emma was able to watch her fight to keep the hurt from showing on her face. She was trying to disengage her emotions, because the brunette still had some semblance of self-control. It was evident in her deep breathing, an attempt to calm herself and the pursed lips that were pressed shut to keep a snark filled and sharp retort for being uttered.

Emma watched the chocolate orbs she loved blink as they shone with tears before she managed to find her equilibrium. Emma watched understanding dawn on her lover's face, that one of them angry and hurting was bad enough. If Regina lost her temper as well there would be sparks, possibly magic and definitely harsh words that possibly could never be taken back. Her features relaxed a little and she tried a different approach.

"I do love you Emma, it may have taken me a little while to realise it, but it doesn't diminish the strength of the feelings. And because I love you I want what is best for you. You're not happy, and I can't stand by any longer and watch you spiral into miserableness and melancholy."

Regina looked up at her, pinned her with a determined stare and the blonde watched the slight shake in her hands as she spoke the next words.

"If I am part of the problem, if you don't want this anymore, then I will walk away. I only ever wanted you to be happy Emma. I wanted a life together but if you don't want that anymore and you would be happier on your own then I can learn to respect that. You just need to tell me, because what we have isn't life anymore, it is routine and it is comfortable but it has lost something. And if that lost thing is our love then it only hurts us both to continue to try and pretend."

She saw the tears and the vulnerability in her lover then and it settled in her stomach, guilt heavy and sickening. She still wanted Regina so very much, she loved her, but the brunette was also right. Things were wrong between them, the spark was missing and Emma didn't know how to fix that or bring it back. But she didn't want to be on her own, and she knew Regina wasn't the problem, she was.

"Don't leave me." She managed to stutter the words and Regina immediately softened.

"Emma…." Regina went to close the distance between them but the younger woman shook her head and with tears in her eyes continued, "I do love you. I know things aren't right but I still want you. Without you, Henry, and my Dad there really would be no point. I'm so sorry my behaviour makes you feel like that." She mumbled quietly, "I didn't intend for this to end up this way."

Unshed tears at the unfairness of it all swam in her vision and she felt the anger and frustration boil over inside of her. This wasn't how life was meant to be, she had struggled for years on her own and when she had finally found a home and been happy it had become warped and twisted.

She felt like screaming, but part of her was afraid if she started she might not be able to stop. Instead she balled her fist and concentrated on the burning pain she had failed to extinguish since her mother had died. All she had been able to do was keep simmering for the last two years. She had tried to ignore it, to squash it but it now threatened to rise up. She had tried so hard to rise above the negativity, the blame and anger but now it all came pouring out of her as she lashed out and her fist made powerful with magic slammed into the wall and both women felt the house shake from the blow.

She watched the magic crackle round her hand and then disappear as she sank down onto the sofa and put her head in her hands. Threading her hands through her hair that she realised needed washing quite badly she took a few shaky breaths and shut her eyes against the tears. She felt fear coil inside her, fear that Regina might leave her, that her violent outburst would push the older woman further away or that she didn't have the words to explain to her lover what was wrong.

She was unstable and she felt emotions tearing away at her insides and she didn't know what to do with them. She didn't know if they were normal, but she realised repressing them had only lead them here, to a desperate conversation that could be a final goodbye balanced on a knife edge. And staring into that lonely abyss she knew she needed to fight for this. If she had no strength for anything else she needed to find some to make the brunette realise she wanted and needed her.

"I love you." She looked up and her eyes connected with Regina's. The brunette's eyes didn't hold any trace of fear, just concern. "I know I'm not the person you fell in love with, and I'm sorry for that. And I'm grateful that you have stayed with me anyway, I know how tough it has been for you."

"It hasn't…." Regina tried to speak but Emma held up her hand indicating she hadn't finished and the brunette's words were unnecessary.

"I know you want more Regina, I'm not blind." Emma smiled up at her and shrugged her shoulders to try and relieve some tension. Her anger was dissipating, her heart rate was calming and she was beginning to be able to think rationally. She was glad Regina loved her and had stood by her as she had vented some of the pent up emotions, things were bad between them but they weren't dead and destroyed. The older woman had been able to see something Emma couldn't, that they were in deep trouble and it needed to change. And they were the only people with the power to do that and it started with identifying there was a problem. And now she wasn't so shocked and angry about the conversation she could be honest with herself and admit this was long overdue.

"Emma that isn't what this conversation is about, yes I miss being close with you, intimate even, but I finally realised the absence of sex was a signal of something far deeper being wrong. And I don't believe it is broken beyond repair. If we both still want to try, we can fix this."

"I want that. I'm prepared to try things your way."

"Good." Regina reached for her drink and lifted it to her lips.

Emma watched her full lips as they sat round the glass and wished she could feel the arousal she used to. She knew Regina had needs and she had meant it, she wasn't blind.

"Will you do something for me?" The blonde spoke and Regina hummed into her drink and raised her eyebrow quizzically indicating she should continue.

She fought back a smirk as her next words caused the older woman to choke on her drink.

"Stop hiding in the guest room."

Emma couldn't remember a time when Regina had been speechless, but with a blush spreading up her neck and onto her cheeks and a guilty look in her eyes before she dropped her head into her hands Emma though this might be a first.

"I…..uh…." a strangled noise was all she could articulate and Emma decided to put her out of her misery.

"It's ok. I mean it, it is natural to have needs and I'm not satisfying them. I haven't been for a very long time and I can't be angry at you for finding another way. You just don't need to hide it or be ashamed that you get aroused and want me and need more than I am giving you. I wish I wanted you. If I'm honest I am just so tired. I remember how we used to spend hours making love and I know I don't have the energy for that. I don't want to have a quick fumble and it be disappointing for us both. You deserve to have someone love you thoroughly and I'm scared I can't do that anymore."

"How did you know?"

"I sometimes wake when you leave the bed of get back in it. One night I woke and you weren't there so I went looking. I stood at the door and listened, knowing immediately what the buzzing noise was and what you were doing from the pleasurable sounds you were trying to muffle but were making anyway. I wish I could say I was turned on, but I just felt guilty."

Regina quirked an eyebrow at that but recognised the honesty that had once been so prevalent in their relationship. She went with honesty too, saying, "I feel guilty too."

"Why would you feel guilty?" And she shook her head at the ridiculousness of the notion. Regina had nothing to feel guilty about, masturbation might not be a regular topic of conversation but everyone needed to let off steam and should enjoy sexual release.

"Because I feel unfaithful to you."

"Don't. It is natural to have urges, to want and need something physical."

"Do you?" Regina turned the tables on her and she swallowed.

"No. I just feel numb about everything." She studied her hands and picked at her fingers. "I know that isn't fair to you and every day I hoped I'd feel better but nothing seems to excite me or spark my interest."

She saw relief flood across the older woman's features and she had to wonder what had she been thinking. Did she think Emma had found someone else? Or did she think the sex had died because the love had? Whatever it was, Emma had given her hope and she was glad to see Regina's unburdened smile grace her lips and she was even more pleased when she felt the other woman sit down next to her.

"Emma that is a perfectly regular reaction to when a close family member dies. You have placed too much expectation on your own shoulders, you can't just bounce back from that kind of loss. My Love you are depressed and struggling, you can't expect life to continue like normal."

"But it does, life doesn't stop."

"Ok." Regina agreed, "Tell me are you living? Or is it just survival?"

Emma looked away, giving the older woman the answer she already knew. The brunette continued:

"And I think the way Snow died didn't help. It was a shock, if she had been older and suffered with illness then you might have prepared yourself, but this was a tragic accident that surprised everyone. We were expecting to welcome a life into the world and instead we ended up burying your mother."

"I've done this to us." She forced the words out, admitting it harder than she thought it would be.

"No Emma Sweetheart. I have to take some of the blame, you have been broken hearted and I should have said something sooner." She reached over and grasped their hands together and rubbed her thumb over the blonde's knuckles.

Emma was close to tears, and she hated being weak like that. She was meant to restore the happy endings and yet she had been helpless as her mother had taken her last breathes, destroying her Father and a big part of herself too. She had failed and she didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Can we please go to bed?" She looked up into Regina's kind eyes and she swallowed past the lump in her throat. Her words were hoarse and she couldn't help the waver in them.

"Promise me that you'll see Archie? Please Emma, you might not like talking about it, but you need to. You can't move on from it unless you accept it. You know I'm right and I'm also right here if you change your mind and want to open up to me."

She nodded mutely, feeling raw and exposed but grateful Regina hadn't continued to push. She was exhausted and knew she would be in tears before sleep finally took her tonight. But she would also have strong arms wrapped round her, someone holding her and doing their best to soothe her and she felt just the very briefest stirring of hope in her heart. A heart she had begun to wonder about, not sure whether it had died along with her mother.


	3. Chapter 3

Third chapter, thanks for being so positive about things so far.

This will be the last instalment, sorry if you wanted more but it is a nice long one. I really need to stop getting distracted and work on my other fictions!

Still mature (smut warning) and still very happy to read your reviews.

Thanks for taking the time for reading and following/faving

* * *

Regina lay back in their bed and enjoyed the scent of Emma on the pillows. She breathed deeply the lingering smell of her perfume and shampoo and smiled. She was beginning to see subtle changes in the blonde woman. She had returned to showering every day and her skin and hair had slowly begun to return to a healthy colour and have a glow about them that had been missing for far too long. She didn't snooze the alarm as often and she wasn't so tired and grumpy to be around.

Regina wondered why it had taken her so long to realise there was a problem. Why had she been scared to voice her concerns? But she knew a lot of it was tied to her own insecurities, and also that she struggled in a relationship.

She hadn't had long with Daniel, certainly not long enough to become used to sharing her space with someone else. Then there was her marriage. It couldn't be referred to as a normal arrangement with give and take, she was well aware her role was to warm her husband's bed and be at his side at official occasions. Her needs and desires didn't matter and staying in that environment for a prolonged period of time had stunted her, damaged her. Then she had found Graham, but that was as empty of feeling as his chest cavity had been. Moving on she tried not to think too deeply about the disastrous and farcical years she had continually tried with Robin.

Then she had eventually realised she loved Emma, but with that realisation came fear of rejection, fear of loving so deeply again. And once she had overcome that fear and embraced being happy she didn't want to admit they were facing another problem. She didn't like admitting she was out of her depth, but she had been. She was in the first serious relationship of her life, one she valued immensely and she was scared of complicating it. Even breaking it if she acted inappropriately and accidently hurt the blonde. And she knew she was capable of causing great hurt, and not necessarily on purpose, she just seemed to have a knack of speaking her mind and alienating people. Her son was a prime example and Emma was as important to her, so she had learned from the mistakes she had made with Henry and wasn't forceful, or opinionated. She hadn't dragged Emma to therapy and ultimately didn't address the problem.

So she had pretended like everything was fine, smiling even though she felt awful. And that was familiar to her at least. It was just like her marriage, where she hadn't been made to feel wanted and it had made her wholly insecure because she felt she wasn't fulfilling her duty as Wife or Queen. She often thought if she hadn't had the good times with Daniel her marriage might not have been so bad, she would have had no frame of reference, no comparison. And this was just like history repeating itself, she had had a fantastic connection to Emma, the good times were so easy and then suddenly it had all been ripped away from her. She had something wonderful to compare it against, friendship, romance, a real love making her house a home and it meant she missed it even more when everything changed with Snow's untimely passing.

And yet even though she was unhappy she hadn't said anything, and all she could do now was shake her head at her own stupidity. Emma was different, their love was true, this wasn't the past repeating itself and she should have grown out of her fears and insecurities long ago. At least she had finally found her courage and with every day that passed since the fateful conversation she saw more life flow back into her lover.

She stretched out her limbs, relishing the feeling of the afternoon sun on her skin. It was lunchtime and she had booked the afternoon off work. She hadn't meant to go upstairs and into the bedroom, but she had taken some laundry upstairs for Henry and she had noticed the bedside lamp was still on. She shouldn't have settled on the mattress, she had plans and had come home early from work to get on with a special dinner for Emma.

The blonde was having a session with Archie this afternoon and Regina knew they were hard for her lover. She left them drained and temperamental, her emotions all over the place and Regina tried to be understanding and have a nice meal on the table for her when she came home. It was usual for it to be a burger with some fried cheese, fried onion rings, fried potato. Basically Emma was happy as long as the grease was dripping from the food, which turned Regina's stomach but she made it for the younger woman anyway. If it wasn't a burger it was some other calorie laden plate of food to help settle the blonde after her stressful meetings with the counsellor.

Often she came home looking red eyed and fresh faced like she had spent the whole session crying and Regina just hoped she was finally letting go of the pain and blame she felt about her mother. She knew there was guilt about her father too, Emma still had love in her life and she felt it keenly when her Father came to visit, trying not to hold Regina's hand too often and blatantly remind him of his lost love. Regina was certain Archie would be able to read Emma and he had already started to work out some of her issues, being astute and friendly he truly was gifted in his job. She was confident in his ability mostly because she still remembered the trust he had engendered as he had helped with her own problems years earlier.

Regina herself had toyed with going to Archie again but had visited Dr. Whale instead. She explained she was marginally depressed, she had lost a friend when Snow died and she had then struggled with helping Emma with her grief. She was certain with Henry soon to be leaving home part of it was also Empty Nest Syndrome and when Snow had died parts of the Town had become unsettled and her job had changed and was more stressful than ever before. She acknowledged she was depressed, it was not the all-consuming way Emma was, but she did recognise she didn't have the thirst for life she should have and she asked Whale to medicate her for it. Not anything heavy and she didn't want an open ended prescription, but she felt she needed professional help and she wasn't the hypocrite she had once been. If Emma had been brave enough to ask for help then so could she.

As Regina lay down she ran her hand up her side and allowed the silk fabric of the blouse to caress her skin, it being cool and soft and she felt her nipples perk at the gentle touch. She knew she shouldn't, but it had been a few weeks and she was alone. Despite Emma saying she didn't need to hide she had still not been brave enough to play with herself in front of her girlfriend. She felt shy and embarrassed and wasn't at all sure how to even bring up the topic of conversation.

Emma still wasn't interested in sex, although Regina did catch her once or twice watching her ass as she moved across the room or watching her lips move when they were having a conversation over dinner. And she knew where they stood because Emma would tell her. They were working on re-connecting, which meant more cuddles, more kisses, more intimacy and continued communication but it stopped short of anything sexual.

Regina had to admit to struggling, more often than not she felt her nipples straining against the fabric of her bra after a handful of kisses and she had to fight the desire to grind her hips down and her sex against Emma's thigh when they were lying in bed tighter sharing a private conversation. But she did. She was pretty sure Emma knew she was struggling because the blonde knew her body so well. She sometimes felt her breathing change and at times she had to close her eyes to take a minute to regain her control and Emma would look at her apologetically and kiss her gently on the forehead or her knuckles, somewhere less arousing.

But Regina knew she was frustrated, and today she lost the internal battle with herself as she pushed the skirt she was wearing up to bunch round her hips. She kept her stocking on and just shimmied out of her underwear, dropping her heels onto the floor as she scooted up the bed and opened the drawer. She pulled out the most recent purchase and laid it on the bed next to her. She looked at the lube and decided against it, she instead unbuttoned the blouse and let it fall open, pinching her already hardening nipples. She cupped her breasts and squeezed them through the fabric of her lace bra, playing with the sensitive nubs by rolling her thumbs over them repeatedly.

She then ran her hand up her stockinged leg and when she hit bare skin she sighed at the soft and teasing touch against the smooth and sensitive skin of her inner thigh. She stroked her fingertips over her low abdomen and felt herself become wet with arousal. She poked her tongue out and licked her lips, raising the fingers of her left hand and inserted them into her hot mouth, wetting them with her saliva.

She shifted on the mattress, she felt quite ready, almost uncomfortably aroused but then the last few nights had been difficult. She had tried not to but being close to Emma and having the woman touch her, just being skin on skin with her always filled her with want. And she understood the need wouldn't be satisfied, but that didn't stop it from pooling between her legs. It was an odd situation they found themselves and Regina knew she had to be patient and she was ok with that, really she was. But her body was responding to her own ministrations and touch now and she knew she couldn't deny herself this. She'd wait for Emma to be ready, but she needed this now.

So she trailed her fingers down her body, which was heating up with each passing moment and then spread her lower lips with the fingers of her right hand as she snaked her left between her legs and used the wet digits to trace round her entrance before sliding up to slick over her clit. She was sensitive, moaning at the initial touch and she knew she had time, the whole afternoon in fact, she could tease herself and take it slow, but she didn't want to. She was more than wet enough so she reached over and grabbed the vibrator and rubbed it against herself, coating it in her essence as she brought it up to nudge against her clit. Sliding the silicone through her folds she dipped it inside herself and felt it go deep, no resistance at all as her body welcomed the invasion.

She clicked the pulse function and immediately felt the effect ripple through her body to the extremities. Her head fell back onto the pillows as she closed her eyes and revelled in the feeling, humming at the pleasant sensations.

She moved her hand and hips in a familiar rhythm causing the vibrator to slide into her, but the angle wasn't quite right. She decided to roll over and from that angle she could ride the dildo, forcing it as deeply inside her as it could go. She clicked onto the next setting and felt the clit stimulator purr into life, stroking her bundle of nerves and she bit back her sob of wanting.

She was getting closer with each thrust of her hips, bracing her weight with one hand while the other held the vibrator solidly in place with the other hand. It was then that Emma pushed open the bedroom door and she collapsed in an embarrassed heap as her blonde lover walked over to the bed and sat down.

"Don't stop." She whispered with a smile dancing on her lips and her hand stroked against the bare skin of her arm causing her to shiver.

And Regina didn't want to, she had been close, so close and the toy was still buzzing in her hand somewhere under her body. Emma shifted on the bed, moving onto her knees and knelt behind the brunette. She pulled at the loose blouse and manged to get Regina back into an upright position before she divested her of the unwanted item of clothing.

The heat of embarrassment quickly morphed back into heated desire as she felt Emma's breath spill over her neck as she nuzzled the skin and she violently sucked in a breath as her cool hand landed on the flat muscles of her bare stomach and started to ascend, until she was cupping her scantily covered breasts, tracing patterns over the lace of the bra and sending shivers through the brunette's highly aroused body.

"I meant it babe, don't stop." Emma whispered to her and she moaned as she took the very sensible advice and pushed the toy back inside herself, no longer nervous or embarrassed. Emma's words and more so her touch eradicated those thoughts, all she could focus on was the throbbing need in her body, culminating at her clit which was begging for more pressure.

"Fuck." She swore as the blonde pinched her nipples hard and bit at her neck. It was all too much, her breathing was becoming erratic and her hips moved faster and faster, driving the rabbit ears against her clit with more force each time, the pulsing making her head swim and Emma here with her, holding her as she felt the orgasm hit her.

"Emma, god!" She moaned. "Oh yes, YES!" And she was coming, climaxing over the toy buried deeply inside her, but it was with thoughts of Emma, her blonde lover on her mind as she collapsed forward on to the bed and Emma followed, draping herself over her shuddering body.

"That was beautiful to watch." Emma husked into her ear and Regina found the strength to turn over and look into her eyes. Her hand went to the hem of Emma's shirt but she found her hands were gently removed and with a small shake of her head the blonde kissed her softly on the lips and said, "Small steps. I'm not there yet. But I could watch you like that over and over."

"Really?" the brunette queried. She could imagine it would be quite frustrating to watch someone else get off and not get anything in return.

"Yes really." Emma nuzzled her nose, her eyes bright and shining with honesty.

"Was it a good session? You're home early and I haven't done anything for dinner." Regina changed the subject, she felt guilty about the food, still guilty about being caught. She knew it was her hang up, Emma obviously didn't mind that she had walked in on her pleasuring herself. She could guess her mother had a lot to do with her attitude towards sex, it was certainly not a subject for discussion in Cora's house. Regina had grown up with very prim and strict ideas placed in her head and it was clear questions were not welcome. Her upbringing told her pleasuring yourself was not something a lady did, sex was about pleasing your husband so coming to this world where there were whole TV channels devoted to erotica, and websites sold millions of pounds of sex aids and toys had been a complete culture shock to the brunette.

She pushed away the guilt, Emma still close to her and as her heartbeat slowed and her breathing returned to normal she relaxed completely in the warmth of the release that had thundered through her minutes ago. She hadn't been that long upstairs, there was still plenty of time to make dinner and Emma was here with her. The session had obviously not required lots of talking today, and the blonde seemed comfortable within herself.

Emma answered her, "Actually it was. Archie spent time talking about Mom and the good things he remembered, it was about celebrating her life today. And I couldn't really do that before, there was always so much regret she was gone. He made me see she was a happy person, she lived life fully and that was why I missed her so, because she had made my life better by being in it. But he told me to remember she had been loved, she was a good person and had left behind memories that were as vibrant as she had been."

"I'm glad you had a productive time with him." Regina knew there had been days Emma had refused to talk about it, she had shut her out and was sullen, but today her lover looked more relaxed and the smile wasn't forced.

"It's still hard, you know?" Emma frowned while she tried to find the words. "I'm not sure I'm allowed to be happy when Dad is so miserable, and to move on seems disrespectful to her memory, but Archie is really good. He helps me be rational and talks with me until I understand why I feel like I do. And he keeps reminding me life does go on, I'm only hurting myself and everyone who loves me by holding on to the past."

"I think we are all a little guilty of holding on to the past too tightly." And Regina smiled at the woman above her, not wanting her to take all the blame herself when it was a human flaw they all possessed.

"Besides, the present seems quite interesting at the moment." Emma quipped, ducking her head and appraising the semi naked woman below her.

"So we're going to talk about this?" Regina asked with a quirk to her eyebrow.

"You got horny, what else is there to say? I asked you not to hide and I'm glad you didn't. You seemed to enjoy yourself."

"Yes I did. How do you feel?" Regina brushed some of the stray blonde hair behind Emma's ear.

"Warm. Contented. Not quite aroused and I know that will upset you, but I enjoyed feeling your heartbeat and the softness of your skin. I'm glad that you are satisfied, you deserve it. I'm happy for you I think, rather than being happy myself, but it is an improvement."

"It definitely is and you said it yourself, small steps. Thank you for holding me and touching me. You have no idea how much I miss you."

"You don't need to thank me." Emma dropped a kiss to her forehead and moved into a sitting position. Regina immediately missed her body heat as she pulled away and tried to rearrange her clothes to cover herself.

"Go freshen up, for some reason you look a little dishevelled and not your usual perfectly coiffed self."

Emma smirked and winked at her before leaning in to kiss her cheek and rolling off the bed. She stood and reached out, offering her hand for holding. The brunette grasped it, linking their fingers.

"After that shall we go out to dinner? It's been a while." And Regina saw Emma's beautiful smile which only helped to heighten the post orgasmic bliss she was feeling. She nodded and practically skipped to the en-suite, her smile mirroring the younger woman's as they both felt positively about the evening to come.

* * *

Thanksgiving came and went and then it was nearly Christmas, each day slowly getting colder, the amount of sun shorter and the nights longer. Regina worried about Emma, knowing the absence of natural light often contributing to levels of depression but Emma seemed to be coping admirably. Regina was certain the blonde was looking forward to Christmas with genuine enthusiasm, rather than the fake smile she had plastered on her face for family gatherings the past year.

And Regina definitely was. Henry would be home for several days rather than the odd night here and there. She had admitted to herself she missed her son, but he was becoming a man and wanted his freedom. He was either out playing sports, socialising with his friends, spending time with Charming or building something with one of the dwarves. Regina should have thought it was odd but she was actually deeply touched by the behaviour of the seven shorties. When Snow had died they had become like Uncles to Henry, trying to replace his lost Grandmother with their own brand of gruff affection and teaching him old world skills. And she knew Henry enjoyed their company and they shared stories of Snow with him, keeping her memory alive.

It was with a heavy heart she understood she needed to let him go, to grow and find his path on his own but it was still hard to see his empty room night after night. At least she had so many good memories and she was proud of him, he was the best of her. And over Christmas they would have family time that wasn't interrupted by school or sports practices, ball games or soccer matches. She would cook and she hoped they could all laugh and play board games together, watch sappy films and relax in each other's company.

Christmas was exhausting, she overdid it every year and never seemed to learn. There was too much food even with extended family and friends dropping by and she had been on the go all day. After she spent hours downstairs in the kitchen and living room plating up left overs, filling the fridge and freezer with the remaining food, clearing everything away, washing up and tiding away the piles of presents so everything was neat and in its place she fell exhausted into bed next to Emma and gave her an apologetic smile. She didn't miss the irony of the situation when she gave Emma a chaste kiss goodnight and collapsed back into the pillows, too tired to do anything more than cuddle into her lover before sleep took her.

By New Year Henry had informed both his Mother's he was going to a party. Regina asked whether there would be alcohol to which Emma just laughed. "Of course there will be alcohol! It isn't a party otherwise." As Regina tried to say Henry wasn't old enough Emma pulled her close and whispered to her to let it go. Henry was a sensible kid and it was New Year. Emma kissing her cheek and holding her settled her more than the words but she nodded her agreement and Henry beamed at them before grabbing his phone and rattling off text messages to finalize the plans for the 31st December.

"What are we going to be doing New Year?" She asked and the blonde smiled.

"I'm sure we can celebrate perfectly well on our own."

Regina hoped the innuendo she heard in the comment was real and not a figment of her imagination. Emma had brought her beautiful jewellery for Christmas and there had been heated kisses that morning after they exchanged gifts in bed before Henry had come lumbering down the hallway, half asleep, hungry and wanting to open his presents. Regina had laughed, he might be becoming a man, but that morning he had been like a child again and she had enjoyed cooking breakfast for him and Emma. They were so similar, always hungry and able to eat food faster than anyone else she knew. While Henry had been distracted with a mouthful of food she swore she had seen a predatory look from Emma as she swept her eyes over her body and the lick of her lips had been deliberately provocative before she went back to her pancakes.

She had been disappointed in herself she had been too tired that evening, because Emma had stayed close all day sharing small touches and smiling at her with love and joy in every glance. But it was now a week later and just maybe tonight was their chance. And she couldn't complain, the holiday period had been lovely, even with the absence of sex. They shared affection, easy conversation, had treated themselves to some extravagant foods and beautiful meals. Thankfully the town seemed calm and for once both Mayor and Sheriff could focus on themselves rather than another disaster, disagreement and everyone else's problems.

So they sat awkwardly downstairs together sipping at their drinks and watching the clock creep towards midnight. It was still early and they had a few hours to go, the TV was on showing Times Square and the usual annual festivities but neither of them were really watching. It was an odd situation, neither of them usually struggled for conversation, but a weight seemed to have settled between them and Regina knew it was expectation. She knew that was silly, but it had been so long and she watched Emma fidget nervously and clasp her hands together only to pull them apart and start pulling at a stray thread moments later or run them through her hair or pick up and put down her drink.

Regina finally had enough and stood up, holding her hand out to the blonde. "Come to bed." She stated, leaving no room for arguments and Emma knocked back her drink and took her hand. Regina swore she felt the younger woman shake a little and she wished she could say something to help but she felt the anticipation too and maybe that was a good thing. Maybe they should be nervous, after all the last two years had taught her that nothing should be taken for granted. She was certain whatever happened they would wake up in the morning and still be together, still be strong, even if Emma had changed her mind.

As she pushed open the bedroom door she turned to the blonde woman and enveloped her in a crushing embrace, relishing the way Emma sighed into her neck and the heat she felt coming from her.

"If you've changed your mind it's ok." Regina breathed out, but she felt strong hands on her hips guiding her to the bed and then the press of soft lips against hers and she moaned from deep inside her chest, barely containing the desire that being close to the blonde sparked inside her.

Tearing her lips away she looked into eyes she saw were darkening with lust but she needed to be sure. She wanted Emma to be ready, not to be doing this because of twisted guilt or expectation. She needed to know she wasn't pushing Emma too quickly. "Emma" she tried but woman had connected her lips to her neck and the sucking made it difficult to concentrate.

"I'm sure." She heard the words whispered into her ear before teeth nipped at the lob and her legs hit the bedframe.

"Are you?" Regina wanted nothing else but to sink down onto the mattress and ravish her lover, there was no sign of hesitation coming from Emma but she still asked, giving her every opportunity.

Emma grasped at one of her hands and brought it up to one of her hard nipples, while guiding the other between her legs and Regina could feel the heat there and the moan Emma couldn't contain as she let her hand caress the seam of her jeans, stimulating the blonde through her clothes. "I want this, I want you. No more questions, please? Let me love you." And the kiss was heated, Emma swiped her tongue against the brunette's lips and Regina gladly welcomed it, with each duelling connection of teeth, lips and tongue more of her body shivered, more nerve endings ignited and then they were falling onto the bed, Emma topping her and she knew she should let the blonde set the pace but her body was betraying her. If she didn't take control she felt she might come embarrassingly quickly so she rolled them and was quickly sitting astride the younger woman and pulling her shirt over her head.

Emma's hands were on her blouse, unbuttoning it with speed before throwing it across the room and she made quick work of the blonde's jeans as the younger woman shimmied out of them. Then Emma had her hands behind her, unclasping the bra and then her palms were resting on her breasts, massaging as her fingers tweaked her nipples and Regina bent to kiss her with unrestrained passion. She felt joy bubble up as Emma pushed up her skirt, bunching it at her waist and then pulled them closer, skin touching skin and a thigh pressed into her clothed centre. She moved so her thigh slipped against Emma's panties and rolled her hips both of them moaning at the heat they could feel and the sensations it caused to ripple through them.

She kissed down Emma's neck and managed to pull her bra over her head before she took a nipple in her mouth and gently bit round the bud. Using her tongue to flick at it she moved down the blonde's body placing kisses on the exposed and flawlessly pale skin. She came to settle between her legs and pressed her fingers against Emma's panties, feeling the moisture there as she rubbed the younger woman over.

She could smell the arousal coming from the younger woman and as she eased the underwear down her strong thighs and looked at her sex her heart clenched. She wanted the woman so much, had been patiently waiting for this so long. She needed to find the strength to take it slowly, this had to be better than a quick fuck, despite her desperate need trying to take over and telling her to ride the other woman to a quick completion for them both.

She reached out a slightly shaking hand and spread Emma's lips, lowering her head to take a taste, her tongue swiping through the moisture she found there and humming with approval. It was like she had never tasted the woman before, it felt brand new and she couldn't get enough, running her tongue everywhere, as Emma gasped her appreciation and moaned.

She flicked her tongue over Emma's entrance and back up to her clit, sucking on the nub with enthusiasm before tonguing the bundle of nerves and hearing Emma sigh at the pleasure each different sensation caused. She traced her fingers lightly over Emma's sex and then gently probed into her with just her fingertips and smiled when the blonde bucked her hips, wanting far more than Regina was giving. She knew Emma was getting more aroused as she placed a hand on the back of her head and pulled her closer and Regina gave her what she wanted, what they both wanted as she inserted both her fingers into her and then sucked hard at her clit.

Emma bucked and Regina moved to hold her down as she lapped at her lover, knowing she was close and loving that she was doing this to her. There were no words to describe how much she had missed bringing her lover this pleasure, being this close and knowing she was the only one that shared this with her. She pushed just a little harder and curled her fingers, stimulating Emma with her touch and listening as Emma usually called her name as she climaxed.

Tonight Emma was quiet, Regina felt her come as her body tensed round her and then relaxed, her fingers were massaged by contracting inner walls and the grip on her head slowly released, but Emma's usual exuberance was missing and as she pulled away from her sex and kissed her thigh she looked at the younger woman and saw her tears. She quickly kissed up her body and pulled her close, not needing words. She just rocked her and stroked her hair, knowing she would tell her when she felt able to.

"I'm sorry." Emma soon whispered and Regina shushed her with a finger to her lips.

"I don't understand why I'm crying." Emma continued, but Regina understood, it was a release, a release of everything. Her grief, her guilt, this was bigger and more symbolic than just the two of them and if Emma needed some time that was fine. Her need was ebbing with Emma's tears, she could wait.

They sat there holding one another until Emma stopped crying and Regina wiped away each drop. Regina leaned into kiss her cheeks, tasting the salt from the tears before sharing a chaste press of lips. She wasn't going to press Emma, this was a big step and if Emma needed to talk it through with Archie before she felt comfortable enough to continue with a sexual relationship then she would understand. But it appeared Emma didn't want to as she deepened the kiss.

"Emma, Emma stop." Regina gently pushed her away.

"I'm ok, really. Everything was just so intense and I needed a moment. Let me return the favour?"

Regina knew the difference between empty kisses and real ones and the one Emma gave her was real. That drunken night everything had been empty and in times since, but this was different and Regina went with her gut and let the blonde build the passion between them with her touch and kisses.

She stripped her of her remaining clothes and worshipped her body. And it didn't take long, because she had wanted this for so long and had been aroused from going down on the blonde so when Emma rubbed her thigh against her she almost lost it. And Emma knew how close she was and didn't tease her. She made quick work of kissing down her body and using her tongue to drive deep guttural moans for the brunette. And then she was riding the wave as pleasure washed over her, Emma's tongue against her clit and her body spasming in pleasure that was different from when the vibrator made her come. This filled her heart, her body felt on a high and Regina knew it would last much longer than the release she got from the silicone.

She kissed Emma and the taste of herself on the younger woman's lips was intoxicating. She wanted more, but not sure if Emma was ready she held back and just wrapped her arms round the other woman. She looked into her eyes and saw love shining back at her, and she knew she was so lucky. They had been through a rough patch, and it was by no means over, but their love was as strong as ever and she could be confident that whatever the next crisis or problem was, it wouldn't drive them apart.

The heat between them couldn't be cooled that easily and soon hands were wandering again, each touch igniting them. As Emma rocked into her hard and she repositioned her fingers so they were driven deeper into the woman above her she lovingly traced her fingers over the blonde's face, caressing her and whispering with intensity, "I love you." before they were kissing again, Emma riding her hand. As Emma peaked she returned the words, and Regina who had always fought so hard for love, from her mother, from Henry during those hard years at the end of the curse, for something real with Robin, knew they were true.

Emma crashed back onto the bed, her breathing heavy and her eyes still shut. "Why did I wait so long for this?" She mumbled and Regina gently took her lips and was tender as she kissed her.

"You weren't ready, if we had rushed it then it wouldn't have been so good and you would have resented me." Regina stroked her side and smiled down at her.

"Thank you for being so patient with me, for waiting. For not leaving me."

"Emma I love you. There is more to us than sex."

"There is a drawer full of interesting devices over there" and Emma nodded to the bedside cabinet Regina used for keeping her online purchases, "that might say otherwise." and she smiled a cheeky smile showing her dimples.

"Well a girl sometimes has needs." Regina quipped back and sealed their banter with a sweet kiss, one that quickly became two, and then a third by which point had lost all sweetness and was rapidly becoming passionate.

"Yes, needs." Emma was breathy and her fingertips were stroking up Regina's naked back, her touch teasingly light but it still made the older woman's nipples hard. "I have needs too." She cupped Regina's face and watched the surprise as she said, "Use the purple one on me?"

Regina's surprise was quickly replaced by a hungry and predatory look. Her sexy licking of kiss swollen and full lips and her fiercely passionate, blazing eyes indicated her willingness to try this with the younger woman. She kept her eyes locked on the blonde as she reached across them both, opening the drawer and grasping the length of silicone. "This one?" she held it in the flat of her hand and Emma nodded.

Regina reached over and got a bottle of lube, she knew Emma didn't need it but she was going to make a show of it. She drizzled the lube onto her hand and rubbed it over the shaft, Emma's eyes following the movement of her hand with rapt attention. She pulled her hand free and there was excess liquid left which she allowed to drip onto Emma's flat stomach as she fisted her hand and squeezed. It meant several drops of the lube hit the blonde's heated stomach, feeling cooler than they actually were and she sucked in a deep breath at the contact. Regina then proceeded to lick them up with her tongue and Emma fidgeted and groaned, knowing she was being teased and loving it.

"How do you want this My Love?" Regina was lying between her legs, having just cleaned her toned stomach with her tongue and Emma felt her clit throb with anticipation. "You must have had an idea, a fantasy?" Regina probed and Emma could only nod. Her lover raised an eyebrow and Emma struggled to remain articulate as she nudged the toy against her folds.

"Can you talk dirty to me, tell me what you are doing while you fuck me with it?" Emma managed to find the strength to say as she bucked her hips into the toy, wanting more of it touching her. The fact the last time she had seen it Regina had been finishing all over it only added to the strong desire coursing through her. And she was certain she was going to be coming all over it too, no doubt hard if her lover was close and holding her.

"Spread your legs wider Sweetheart."

At Regina's instruction Emma repositioned herself on the bed and did just that, waiting for Regina to plunge the vibrator into her. But she didn't, she continued to massage the toy through her folds, nudging her clit with it and her other hand snaked up to toy with a nipple. Regina lowered her head to the other breast and took the hard nub between her lips, using her teeth to elicit a moan for the other woman. As the brunette released the nipple she said, "Do you want to know how this one works Emma?"

"That end goes in me." Emma was sarcastic, a satisfied smirk on her face, which Regina intended to wipe off.

Regina continued to tease her, saying, "Well yes it does, but only when I deem you are ready. You said you wanted me to fuck you with it. And I will do that in my own time."

At that Regina pressed the pulse function as the head of the vibrator was resting against Emma's clit. The effect was instantaneous, she arched off the bed and all the breath seemed to leave her lungs in the sharpest exhale. Regina smirked at her and the blonde could hear the amusement in her voice as she said, "That end doesn't necessarily need to be inside you Dear to bring you great pleasure."

The response was a series of unintelligible words as Emma bucked against the toy, both wanting it closer and further away at the same time, and Regina understood because the shaft _was_ mean to be inside you and she knew the feeling was far too intense pressing against Emma's clit like that to be sustained for long. She clicked it on to a different pulsing as she slipped it down to Emma's entrance and inserted it with a quick flick of her wrist.

"Ummmmmm." Emma hummed in grateful pleasure as Regina came to rest herself next to her, one hand working between her legs as she slide the toy inside her over and over and her lips close to her ear as she told the blonde, "It feels good doesn't it? And if I change the angle" And she moved her hand towards the mattress, the effect it had being the head of the silicone shaft pressed into Emma's walls, against the sensitive patch Regina loved to stimulate with her fingers when she knew Emma was close, "well that just feels amazing isn't it?" She flicked her tongue out and licked round the shell of Emma's ear and the blonde mewled in delight.

The brunette watched her grasp a fistful of sheet and smiled, she hadn't even started with the second function on the vibrator yet. She husked out, "This cost a lot of money Emma, do you know why?" Emma shook her head, Regina was pretty certain she wouldn't get a verbal response now until the woman was screaming her name when the orgasm ripped through her. And Regina was enjoying this, she was battling her own arousal. Her breathing had changed and the tone of her voice shifted as she felt her desire pool between her thighs.

"It's because it is multifunctional, this" Regina clicked the clitoral stimulator and smiled as Emma sobbed as she lowered the rabbit ears against the bundle of nerves. Regina knew how the toy felt and that in all likelihood Emma's clit was throbbing by now, "has several speeds and several different ways to stimulate, shall we see which one you like best?" And she clicked to the next setting and watched Emma practically writhe with pleasure.

"This," Regina clicked again, "is my favourite function. I tease myself a little with it" and she moved the rabbit ears away from Emma's clit, no longer applying direct pressure, instead letting it massage gently and she watched fascinated as Emma's grip on the sheet tightened and her mouth fell open but nothing came out.

Regina decided the teasing had gone on for long enough, she was practically ready to come just from watching, so she knew the blonde had to be on the edge too. She moved her arm faster, thrusting the toy into Emma while keeping the pressure on her clit. "This is so much hotter than I expected" She breathed into the younger woman's ear. "I'm practically dripping. Is it as good as your fantasy?"

Emma managed to unfist her hand and made to grab the older woman, pulling her towards her and into a kiss that quickly became impossible to maintain as she threw her head back and gasping out Regina's name came in a violent shuddering of limbs. Her hips continued to jerk and Regina wondered if she should leave the toy switched on, it would be easy to coax another orgasm from the blonde but Emma was covering her hand and moving to pull the toy from herself. Regina looked in fascination at the glistening toy before it felt right for her to snake out her tongue and lick up the shaft. She moaned at the taste of Emma and was quickly pulled into a crushing kiss as Emma took control and flipped them.

She had meant it earlier, she was dripping and as Emma dropped a hand to her waist and danced her fingers over her abdomen and round her thighs she desperately needed to be touched. "Please..." She begged, not something she did often, but tonight had been a revelation, they had lost themselves in one another and it had been like releasing the floodgates, she couldn't get enough of the other woman. Emma wanted her, and being like this erased all the uncertainty and doubt she had been carrying around for months now. She knew she shouldn't doubt, but it had crept in regardless and now she was so close to another orgasm at Emma's hand and she felt real happiness flow through her veins.

Emma dropped her thumb to her clit and entered her with two fingers, it could probably have been three she was that ready as she bucked her hips into her lovers hand and grasped at the blonde's naked back leaving behind red marks where her nails had dug in trying to find the purchase to pull them even closer together. "Emma!" She moaned, quickly finding a rhythm between them and it was as if the last few years had never happened, Emma remembering how to touch her and what she needed. As the blonde swirled her thumb, stimulating Regina with circular strokes that drove her to the edge and then she was cresting, biting into Emma's shoulder as her body climaxed, the tension reaching an unbearable level before snapping and allowing her body to shudder through to relaxation.

Emma held her tightly as she came down and then they both jumped as a firework went off outside, the bright colours lighting the room through the curtains.

"Happy New Year Regina." Emma smiled at her and nuzzled her nose.

"And you My Love, I really think it will be." Hers wasn't just a smile, it was a full on grin. She was tired, her body ached in a delicious way, and her heart was full of love and hope. She pulled Emma against her and kissed in the New Year with her lover before Emma snuck out of bed and opened the curtains so they could see the fireworks show. She got back into the bed and they tucked themselves under the blankets, snuggled close and watching the bright colours as they filled the sky.


End file.
